It's been a while

It has been a while since my last post. I dunno. I just felt like writing today. I have been crying again. I think my eyes just miss crying so when a tear fell, more came afterwards.
My weakness. My self. I feel so weak, emotionally. It started when I felt I was also weak mentally. Yes, I am mentally and emotionally weak.
My former classmates would probably argue,"NO WAY!" An honorable mention in grade school, valedictorian in high school, and cum laude in college and you say you are mentally weak?
Actually, it's because of my poor memory. If memory serves me correctly, which usually doesn't, I struggled back in school. I was just such a great pretender that everything seemed easy but the truth is that I worked hard, really hard to understand all my lessons. For those needing memorization, I tried almost all I could think of just to help retain stuff in my memory. I even recorded my voice at times to play back the lessons in my ear.
Now that I am getting older, it's getting harder and harder to pretend. I forget things, A LOT OF THINGS. I am even afraid that I might forget my name some day. Honestly, if I had good memory, I would have finished law in Harvard already. Or I had taken up all those subjects that I dreaded to take. I would've, could've, should've.
I often feel such a failure. You know, I try my best 99% of the time, but there is always that 1% where I fail at something and I feel that I am back to zero.
I try too hard that I often question myself, why do I even try too hard? I will fail anyway. I am often too hard on myself. I usually end up hating myself.
Back in elementary, I was very egotistic. When my dad was still alive, he would praise me everyday, saying how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was. And I believed him.
My mother would always argue and at times even say hurtful things at me. One that I remember regrettably was when I typed my first storybook in Grade 2 using the typewriter. I was so excitedly proud of myself that I showed my mom. Then, all she said was that I used wrong grammar here and there.
Usually, my mom would notice my looks - how ugly I was, how fat I was. She honestly did not use nasty words but I felt they were. For example, she would notice how big my thighs were. Or some time, I was so hungry and I asked for food, she said I didn't need food. It was just these little things that slowly cut through me until now.
Then, my dad died. No one would tell me how smart or beautiful I was anymore. That's when I started believing how indeed ugly and fat and stupid I was.
It's so hard for me to have a little self-esteem, a little self-confidence. Even the slightest criticism makes me cry. I hate this feeling of not being worthy enough, of not being enough. Of the 99 things I do right, that one thing I did wrong cuts through me and I break down.
It keeps haunting me each and every day. I try and try hard every day but my weaknesses just show up and I fail. I am not a complete and utter failure but some words from others make me feel such as well.
I wish I could be stronger, but I forget how to be strong. I need to be reminded every day. But no one to do that anymore.
I'm tired now. I'll just cry myself to sleep. Sorry God.